literature

Gone With The Wind

Deviation Actions

Aro-chan's avatar
By
Published:
1.4K Views

Literature Text

I've packed a
              l   i   f   e   t   i   m   e
in a 20 kg suitcase,
               at a half an hour's notice
       


I've lived on the
               e   d   g   e
where it's easy to
f
a
l
l

and lose it all


I've been ruthlessly
              j    u   g   g   l   e   d
        by a cacophonous rickshaw
halfway across Karachi, and egg beaten
        economy-class, on an over-crowded
                  train  to Lahore,
     One day     
and have
                   n 
               w  
            o         
          l
       f

first class to U.A.E
                  the next


Your eyes
follow me d                                                             
               o               p  as I f l o a t    a      
                 w            u                            w    
                    n  then                                  a     
                                                                     y

Again and again,
  but you'll never really catch me 'cause I'm never really there
              You can't catch the wind

I've ridden clouds across the globe
and learned that the world is really
      

big



and we are just so
       small

                  life has been going in   

                                C
                                       I
                          S                R
                              
                            E            C
                                    L

                   it's been a
              b   r   e   e   z   e

though anything but gentle

I've come and gone like the wind
           And now I don't remember where I come from
and don't know where I'm...
                                           g  o  i  n  g
No, NOT a military family.

Concrete Poetry held by #Writers-Workshop is a pretty challenging workshop, and I really put a lot of thought into this.... whatever thought i'm capable of anyway
Orginal, non edited version: [link]

#Critique-It
Does the typographical arrangement help in conveying the intended effect of the work? I could use a few more ideas, a zigzag, but where would I add it?

IMPORTANT: This poem does not view correctly in Internet Explorer

IE sucks. It's fine in firefox and google chrome. Don't ask me, I don't know =/

I ALREADY KNOW IT'S A CHEESY TITLE
If you've got another one lemme know =_=



Comments61
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Cei-Ellem's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

It is definitely visually stunning, even without reading it, but the unique layout is also its downfall: I honestly have no idea what you were trying to convey here. Actually reading the text was quite rough on the eyes. Many of the formatting choices felt random, and I didn't understand why some words were spaced out and bolded.

On a grammatical note, ellipses (...) only have three dots, but that may be a stylistic choice here. I find it jarring and unnecessary, in addition to the places they're being used being somewhat awkward. The last one is the only one that feels right; all the rest cut into the flow of the poem.

Overall, I love the originality. I just wish there was more to grasp on to.